A is For Action

   I'm not thinking of action as in the thrills, chills, and spills sense, although I hope as a story teller I manage at least the occasional thrill. I'm more interested in what the character's actions say about them. I try to show more than tell. As I reader I find pages of unbroken description boring. So what do my characters reveal about them selves through their actions?
 
    As I thought about this I came to a frightening conclusion: the way my characters behave may say less about them and more about me than I ever intended.

  Through my imaginary friends I take action. I do things that I would never do in real life. More often than not they get caught. It is the nature of the mystery novel. But they pay the price, not me.

  A professor from college put me through a semester of annoying make work. Relish those first two chapters Prof. You won't live to see the third. Your early morning "the only thing wrong with this school is the students" rant is about to be cut short. I think it is several tons of falling text books that will do for you. Your imaginary grad student takes the rap, I've blown off steam and no one ends up in a bell tower with a rifle. Everybody wins!

   It takes my home loan two months to go through as the under writer nitpicks  over cosmetic nonsense. You sir are about to meet a cold and lonely end, entombed in a snow man. Do you fell your blood crystallizing as it turns to ice? Call my hall floor unfinished will you? Ha! I haven't decided if he will survive the experience or not. We'll see how I fell when I get there.

  So I live through my villains, using them to vent my less social acceptable emotions in an acceptable way. I'm not shy about my darker side. But what about my heroes. What actions do they take that I can't? The answer is not all that surprising.
  
  Mysteries follow a relative simple pattern   By the end of the story everything is put right. The guilty are caught. The unknown is explained. By the last page you know the why of the last two hundred pages. This is something that life rarely delivers.

   A is for action. A also stands for alter ego. Hey who needs a shrink when you have an unfinished novel.

  

  
  
  

  

The Next Big Thing

   It's been a long time since I posted something. Since January in fact. A lot has happened since then. In the mean time I have laid a laminate floor (So easy a pregnant woman can do it) tilled a kitchen (Maybe I shouldn't have done that) put my back out (oops) and given birth.

  So perhaps its understandable that I haven't got much done. I was trying to ignore the looming sense of guilt when  Random Falcon tagged me and told me to get to work. I have known him for so long, when ever  I get a message from him I hear it in his voice. So Fal has been in my head nagging me for a week.

  Tuesday night I said to myself Tomorrow morning I am going to do it!

  That night the power went out and we had no Internet for two days. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Anyways here goes.


What is the working title of your book?

I am currently working on two stories: Death Comes To The Restful Goddess, and The Greenman Murder


Where did the idea come from?

 Hm, how to answer that without giving away the plot. I read about a case that the investigators classified as "occult" because of objects found at the scene. It later turned out the objects had no connection to the crime. I was intrigued by the idea that everything they extrapolated from the evidence  was wrong from the very beginning. That's when Thea popped into my head and started to tell me what "really" happened. And the Restful Goddess  was born

The story of the Hagly Wood corpse has haunted me for years. Who was Bella? And Who put her in the witch elm? But I didn't have characters to go with it. Then one fall day walking around the neighborhood with the i pod I thought it was a day like today that the found her. Suddenly I knew who found her and why she was there. Of course in the meantime her name changed along with the continent she was found on.

What Genre does your book fall under?

Both stories are murder mysteries. Something to do with my need to make people up, and then kill them.


Which actors would choose to play in a movie rendition?

Hard to say. Theses people have been walking around in my head for so long, they're real people to me. Anything less than an exact match is hard to swallow. Gavin Dunn could play Detective Gorgeous. Shohreh Aghdashloo could easily play his mother. Christopher Gorham could do Campbell. I don't know who would play Thea. And I really have no idea about the characters from The Green man Murder. Fred could be a young Jay Sliverheels. But I bet there is a no dead actors rule when you cast a movie. 


What is the one sentence synopsis of your book?

What do Baptist Minsters, sleazy politicians, New Age gurus and Indian Shamans have in common? Murder at the Restful Goddess. Wait that's two. Oh well

The Greenman Murder is one woman's quest to meet her deadline and finish her novel as life, door to door salesmen, home owners associations, and murder happen around her.


Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I figure it out.


How long did it take you to write your first draft?

I have been working on The Greenman Murder as time permits for about a year. The Restful Goddess, lets just say its older than my eldest child and leave it at that.

What other books would you compare this story to within you genre?


I don't really know the answer to that. I don't spend a lot of time trying to categorize the stories. Right now I'm just trying to get them out of my head and down on paper.


Who or What inspired you to write this story?

For me it almost always starts with the crime. Who did this and why? What drove them to that extreme? I guess its mostly about questions.


What else about your book might pique the readers' interest?


Well drawn characters with very full lives and personalities. I have to keep reminding them that, "Hey guys there is a dead body over there. You might want to focus on that right now"


As I have been tagged, so I tag another. I don't know Zombie Fiction, but I know what I like

Zombie Diapers by Cassandra Stryffe

Horror, It's No Longer a Man's Game

  There has been a lot going on so I haven't written a lot lately. (or at all in the last year) But recently I saw something on line that infuriated me. It was an online comic bashing the twilight series. Now I like to make fun of sparkly vampires as much as the next person. But the thrust of this jab was that girls had ruined vampires.

  Girls ruined vampires! Excuse me?! GIRLS RUINED VAMPIRES!!!! Maybe this is just the pregnancy hormones talking but....WTF! Pardon me while I take a horse tranquilizer to come down. ( it's ok to take that while you're pregnant, they're herbal. Ok no they're not but it was really a handful of almond M&Ms and one stuck in my throat so it was kind of like taking a horse tranquilizer)

  If you believe that than you haven't read any vampire fiction written later than the nineteenth century. I have two words for you sir. Ann. Rice. Doesn't ring any bells. That's alright I have a few more Laura K Hamilton, Tanya Huff, Charlene Harris. Nearly If not all the good Vampire fiction of recent years was written by Women.

  So think about that for a moment, sexist asshole, while Laura K Hamilton beats the s***t out of you. When she is done with you  Ann Rice wants to reenact some scenes from her books.   Charlene Harris and Tanya Huff are here too. Charlene has brought popcorn. (Don't ask me why. Its my twisted day dream. And Ms. Harris strikes  me as a woman prepared for any social situation) So while you  wonder exactly what these talented ladies are planing to do with that fifty gallon drum of miracle whip lets see what upsets you so much about "girly vampires".

  You don't like well educated erudite vampires. You want a predator, the monster within, the alien, the other with a capital O. Sunshine by Robin Mckinley. Read it and sleep with the lights on for the rest of your life. Her vampire is brilliantly characterized at the same time as she makes it subtly but clearly obvious that this person is not human in ways that we may never fully understand. She paints the other and the alien without resorting to outright gore.The fear Mckinley evokes comes from our own undefined fears.

  That is what makes all of these woman masters of their craft. The understanding that the true horror springs from the well of human nature. And that is why I prefer "girly vamps" Because whether or not they suck blood I like characters with well drawn personalities  and richly embroidered back histories. So not that I have got that rant out of my system I have only one more thing to say to the people who whine how woman writers have ruined horror. I see you Bram Stoker and raise you one Mary Shelly.

  

It Looks Like It's Selling Viagra Online After All

  There are not that many ways left for an unemployed writer to make an honest buck. The hay day of the Saturday Evening Post is long past. Most magazines and newspapers rely on staff writers or independent contractors.  Some publications will pay a whooping three dollars an article. Many of the pay to work sites will only pay a one time fee while they sell the article multiple times. So what is an out of work writer to do?
   How to make a few bucks, pay a few bills and still work from home?
  I gave adsense a try. I was thrilled when I made an entire dollar. It was a small start but with steady growth my ad earnings might have paid the netflix bill.
   I was over the moon when I earned a staggering twenty two dollars and ninety two cents. But the romance between me and Adsense was not to last.
   I opened my email one morning only to receive the startling  news that my adsense account had been disabled. "Due to invalid clicks" they said. And to protect their advertisers they had disabled my account and refunded the fees.
  I wasn't quit sure what I or my readers (all six of them) were being accused of. But I meant to find out. I clicked on the link labeled appeal. It took me to a form that said clearly at the top do not use this form if you are filing an appeal concerning your adsense account. Click here for more information. This second link took me right back where I started.
   After going around in circles a dozen times I gave up. My attempts to find an email or a phone number where I could contact a real person also failed. Oh well I thought, it was fun while it lasted, can't win them all etc. I went to see what my lonely little blog looked like without ads.
   And received an interesting surprise. The ads were still up. Ads if you please, that they saw no need to pay me for. I am ashamed to say that at this point I (finally) resorted to profanity. I will not repeat my words here but needless to say they were colorful.
  Having relieved my feelings I took the ads down myself. And it gave me no small satisfaction. I will be honest and admit that I wallowed in the self pity and disappointment for awhile. You may have noticed it's been more than a week since my last post.
   The next day my pin card arrived in the mail. It listed an email address. So I sent Google Adsense an email telling them our association was at an end, and why. I was painfully polite even thought it nearly killed me. I kept hearing my Great Grandmother in my head. "A lady is a lady in EVERY situation, regardless of others' behavior."
   I have not gotten an answer and I doubt I will. To be honest I doubt anyone even read the email.
   But as they say "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it" and "Don't let the bastards get you down" and all that jazz. So I' m back and things mostly back to normal.

  Advertising at Unemployed Adjectives has under gone a few changes.
   In Future all advertising will be through ME and approved by Me.
  All rates will be set by ME and clearly stated.
  All payment will be rendered in advance.

And in the mean time I'm going to look up how you sell Viagra online.

No Better Than The Paper He's Written On

   Who is the the most important character in a murder mystery? If you answered "the detective" you're only half right. Certainly the detective, or hero is the central character. This is the one we spend the most time with. Often it is through the eyes of this character that we view the story. There is no doubt this person is the main character. But is she/he the most important?
   A strong argument can be made that the murderer is the most important character. Think about it. His/Her actions are the foundations of the entire plot. He commits the murder. Your whole story hangs from that all important plot point. Without the murder there is no story.
   Unless there is a murder Hercule Poirot  has no exercise for the little gray cells. Miss Marple has no reason to put down her knitting. Dr. Gideon Fell has no reason to stop work on his monumental "History of Beer Drinking Habits of The English People". Even Betsey Devonshire has no reason to leave her needlework shop.
  So as a reader I am particularly annoyed by two-dimensional murderers  I just plowed through some sixty-five thousand words for a cardboard cut out.
   For starters, how about we give him a reason to kill. Too many times I have seen two hundred pages of engaging plot end in "He did it 'cause he's crazy". Or the ever present "it was an accident!" Please! You know what you do in that case? You call the ambulance and the cops. You cry real tears and shout "mea culpa" all over the place. Ta Da, the story ends in an easy two hundred pages. Though now it  a tragedy instead of a mystery.
   Give him a reason to kill! Need; the need, to hide someting, the need to keep something. Love; the love of self, the love of another, the love money, (come on who doesn't love money?). And nothing drives an antagonist like good old fashioned revenge.
   Give your murderer some depth. Make him likable. Give me a reason to be surprised he murdered six people with a spatchula and a rubber band. And please above all else do not resort to  serial  killers I loath a serial killer. As a plot twist it is singularly unimaginative.
   All that  I am asking for is a murderer with a little more depth than the paper he's printed on.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Keyboard

  If you're wondering where I was all weekend, I was at the public library, plugging away at my novel. I take my I pod, stick in my earphones crank the volume, and do my best to ignore the other patrons. This takes some doing. They want to sit at your table while there are five empty ones. They want to make friends. They want you to come to their church. They want to sell you something. They want to know if your seeing anyone. I want to know is there any way to make them go away short of a gun.
   Of course I have my favorites as well. There Is the nicely dressed older lady who is having a conversation with herself and her six other personalities. (As someone with her own imaginary friends I can relate.) And I confess to some fondness for the college student at the next table. His interest in me extends just far enough to keep an eye on my computer while I am in the rest room, in exchange for the same service. Other than that we each pretend the other is not there. My absolute favorite though, is the off duty cop two tables away. He answers every interaction with, "Ma'am as long as you're not hanging yourself with the blind cord I don't care."
   As fraught with distraction as the library is, it is easier to work there than home. At home there is the ever present 35 pounds of constant distraction.
  "Mommy I love you."
  "I love you too dear."
  "Mommy, your name is mommy"
  "I know  sweetie." And off he goes again. He returns two and on half min. later, in the middle of a particularly tricky scene.
  "Mommy I need a mustache."
  "I'm sorry you what?"
  "I need a mustache! Like Daddy's."
   "Well, when Daddy comes home ask if you can borrow his."  He nodes as if this makes perfect sense and runs off. I'm stunned that it worked.
   Thirty seconds later he's back. "Mommy I need scotch tape. Right Now!"
   "Here, have the whole role. Go crazy." And he's gone again This buys me almost ten min. of uninterrupted silence. At this point I honestly don't care if he tapes the whole house.
  "Mommy, where is my ping pong ball? It was right here. And now IT'S GONE!!!" I desperately search my memory for a ping pong ball. We don't have one. Okay. Which toy  has been nicked named ping pong?
  "Do you mean your hacky sack?"
   "Um, no."
  "Do you mean the toy you got from Burger King yesterday?"
  "Yeah! YEAH! YEAH!!"
   "There on your table, next to your Mickey Mouse chicken" He stares right at it, pokes it with his little finger.
   "I don't see it."
  "Right there in front of you."
  "Uhh. Its not." When I get up and walk over there to hand it to him he yells "Oh there it is."
  "Uhh Mommy. I has a car. And the car has six guys and rockets. And Anna is in the sport car. She drive really fast. And these guys has paint and the pant stick on a rocket and the car and rocket and paint and frog." (wait where did the frog come from)" And the frog and the snow make a vegetable. I don't eat vegetables. They is yucky. And then I put the race on side ways." Maybe that's why the little plastic building is on its side. He says it's sleeping. How it can sleep with the cars and steamroller rushing in and out I don't know. "And the car hits the lots of little trees. And the trees scream, 'ahhahhhahahhh Stop hitting us!' I think they stopping Mommy. Hey Mimi the cars and the motorcycle is stopping."
  Mommy is thinking of 'stopping since she is getting nothing done.
  "Mommy, I going to grow giant. And then I going to be Daddy."
  "You mean You'll be like Daddy."
  "No, I be Daddy."
  Yeah, I think I'm done for the day.

You Think I read The Crap I Write?

  My friend Kate S. recently went on a rant (an unusual occurrence as Kate S is spectacularly good-natured). She had been watching a TV series on DVD, and apparently the end was disappointing.
  "When you write a TV series," she said. "And you come up with a wonderful, crazy, diabolical puzzle, it should be required by law that you have a solution BEFORE you are allowed to make the show. Because other wise you get to the end and you say 'Crap I can't explain that'. So you don't. AND IT SUCKS!"
   It brought to mind an interview with a script writer I had read. When questioned exhaustively about the "inconsistencies" in the series he wrote he replied"What? You think I watch this shit? I have a life!"
    As shocking as this attitude was in a television writer, I found it more annoying in an Author. In one of my favorite series there is a wonderful moment between the heroine and the detective who becomes her love interest. They look at each other across the ransacked  room and she reveals what really happened the night her husband died.
  It's a carefully crafted scene, filled with emotion, that lays the foundation for their growing relationship. One problem, the author forgot about it. or her characters suffered from collective amnesia. During the series she will go on to reveal her deep dark secret a grand total of FOUR times. And each time he reacts as if he never heard it before.
   Each repetition was less well written and lacked the emotional impact of that first scene. Finally in the last book the reveal holds all the import of, "Honey, the cable is out". He says "You never told me that" and the reader says, "Yes, she did! In books one, three and five." The heroine responds with "I never even told my son", and the the reader says, "Yes, you did! In book three when you were freaked that the actress your husband had an affair with turned up and he was all "Mom WTF"! At this point the reader wonders if the author reads her own books,.
    The obvious answer would be no. But almost everyone I talked to had been disappointed in one way or another by a writer. My sister still remembers a series three decades ago that cut off in the middle leaving the protagonist stranded in the desert. My entire family (myself included) remembers when a series facing cancellation scrambled for a solution to the mystery that drove the plot. The problem was there was no way the character tagged as the unknown villain could have committed the crime that the entire story rested on.
   No one is perfect. And I do not think that readers or viewers expect perfection from writers. But I do think they expect answers to the questions the author poses. So keep track of your plot. And if you raise questions do your best to answer them. Because if left unanswered those questions never go away. And if all else fails, read your own books damn it!